The other day I was talking with a someone about a mutual friend. This person made the comment that our mutual friend had totally turned around her countenance after many of the worries she had been facing were beginning to work themselves out.
The next comment was how ‘we now needed to turn around YOUR countenance’.
uuuuh. come again?
MY countenance, I thought as I looked at this person. Are you serious?
Do you have any idea how much sleep I got last night? (Three hours. Almost. And not all at the same time.)
Do you know how much stress it is to keep a kid like Parker alive?
The decisions that ultimately come to rest on my shoulders?
The never ending NEVER ENDING?
Didn’t she get that sometimes a smile just can’t be conjured on demand. That after about the zillionth time you have to cancel plans because your kid had a rotten night starts to wear on a Mama.
Did she realize that if only Parker were just healthy my countenance would so bright you’d need sunglasses just to look in my direction?
If . Only.
As I’ve thought about this experience the other day, it’s come to me over and over again that there are all kinds of if onlys. We each have our own ‘if only’ that we tell ourselves would make our lives perfect.
Many of us waste a whole lotta time waiting for those ‘if onlys’ to manifest themselves.
And that’s me. In a sometimes miserable little nutshell.
I’ll NEVER give up the fight to provide Parker with the health care he needs. I’ll NEVER quit praying or fasting or attending the Temple or trying to live my life in such a way as to be worthy of the Spirit in decisions that need to be made in Parker ‘s behalf.
In short I’ll NEVER give up on my kid.
But I could use to shine up my countenance while I continue to fight.
It’s kind of ironic that a blog who’s main intention is to show the world the beauty, joy and potential found within an extra chromosome has become a place where it’s author has allowed gray to be the color she wraps herself in daily.
I’m a believer that there is a part of your happiness that depends on your attitude. No, I can’t control everything (even though I’ve spent a LOT of time trying…..ahem.), but I can control how I allow myself to react to things.
So, with you guys as my witness, I’m going to try harder at shining up my countenance.
However, it’s going to be a work in progress.
I reserve the right to my traditional freak out fest a few days before AND a few days after a heart cath. Rome wasn’t built in a day you know.
I also reserve the right to blog my incredulousness at the half baked that so often defines Utah Representative Carl Wimmer. But seeing as this guy could soon become a CONGRESSMAN, I consider that my civic duty.
We’re talking baby steps here you know. But I’m dedicated to make sure each little step is headed in the right direction.