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I’ve loved reading Notes From The Trenches for a year or so now. Chris is a strong, funny and smart Mama.
No, she doesn’t have a medically fragile child with special needs. But she has a household of kids that remind me a lot of Parker’s brothers and sisters. And she parents kinda like I do. I enjoyed being able to relate to how she thought.
She takes incredible pictures of her gorgeous kids and shares her life from the football, baseball, and until recently, homeschooling bleachers.
She’s a great writer.
Today I read a post where Chris told of bringing the wrong kid to football practice. She brought her 8 year old son when the practice was actually for her 10 year old son.
This is the kind of experience I’m sure any parent of a kid who plays sports could find the humor in. (Cause they’ve done it themselves, and now find it funny after the fact)
But then I read this sentence:
“So I walk over to him (the coach). And I ask, in a tone that implies it is the most ridiculous question ever;
“Do we have practice tonight?”
He (the coach) looks at me as if I am retarded because what other earthly reason would I have for being at the football field except to be at practice.”
It was as though those words jumped from my screen and punched me in the stomach. I had to stop and catch my breath.
And not because the use of the word retarded as a synonym for idiot, stupid, and all things ridiculously dumb is something that I’ve never read or heard before.
Actually, to be honest, I’m not sure why this struck me the way it did.
But did. it. ever.
Notes From The Trenches is also a blog with a lot of readers. A huge following. The blog of a Mom who has ties with BlogHer and is a regular contributor on BackTalk. BOTH are venues with amazing potential to advocate for people with special needs.
Now, the bottom line is that Chris can write anything on her blog that she wants. And she never once asked me to think highly of her. Or even read her blog for that matter. Hell, she doesn’t even know Parker and I exist.
And I know when that sentence was written it wasn’t written as a way of deliberately hurting Parker or anyone else dealing with a disability.
So any feelings I experience fall under my ownership and nobody else’s.
I get that.
But I hope that people get that using the word retarded in a negative way is hurtful.
Even if it isn’t intentional. Or you were just trying to be funny. Or you didn’t mean it in that way.
This mindset is damaging.
If you don’t believe me, I invite you to read this: Sticks and Stones.
Read it all the way through.
Then go back and read it again
Because I think that a child with special needs has enough challenges facing them. They shouldn’t have to (as in Parker’s case) FIGHT to grow up, only to discover themselves in a world that finds it perfectly acceptable in making them it’s go-to when trying to describe anything negative, embarrassing or just plain stupid.
But, then again, maybe that’s just me.
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That makes me so sad
. I do not tolerate the use of the “R” word in a negative way from my children or anyone in my circle really! I am going to save this post and use it to remind my children or anyone who wants to listen that words really can hurt!
A fellow blog friend who is a Special Education teacher keeps using the word SpEd… I find it offensive. So I wrote a nice counter post about it. She e-mailed me, apologized, and has since stopped using the word SpEd; she instead writes it out, which as her profession, I think is much more professional and respectful.
I invite you to read it
http://www.theperfectfocus.com/2009/01/27/are-you-a-sped/
I never ever will use that word. And I will teach my children the same.
I think I’m sensitive to it because a little girl in my 2nd grade class was mentally challenged (and at the time, the only word used to describe her was “retarded”. And instead of singling her out, all of her classmates took it upon themselves to protect her. I’ll never forget that. And why a bunch of 7 year olds had the insight to treat her with respect and dignity, I’ll never know.
I so support you on this.
Excellent. And well said. If it’s okay with you I would like to link to this post in the hopes that a few more people will “get it.”
I have the same reaction to that word as you do. It such a personal word to me. In fact, no other word is forbidden in our home. Standard cuss words can be said within reason, but never, ever is that word tolerated. It makes me feel like I am being stabbed when I hear it.
Have you seen this initiative? http://www.r-word.org/
No, it isn’t just you. You’ve written a great post, I’m hoping to share it at my blog if it’s ok. It’s bad enough when a child uses the “R” word but how even more pathetic is it when an adult uses it. It just infuriates me, how disrespectful and how hurtful people can be, intentional or not, it should not be used.
Certain family and friends of mine (who shall remain nameless) often use the R-word around me and my daughter (diagnosed with autism). Sometimes it makes me cringe, sometimes it makes me tear up, sometimes it makes me angry… it has yet made me speak out. Not because I dont want to, but because I don’t want to cause a fuss, or bad feelings, or… whatever. I have promised myself that next time they say it, I will say something.
They have a few other choice words they use as slang for ‘bad’ or ‘worthless’ or ‘incompetent’, but thats a whole other story. Sheesh.
Um, no, it’s not just you
As far as I’m concerned, the r-word is just as bad as the n-word. People with disabilities are possibly one of the most discriminated against groups of people in the world – which is made even sadder by the fact that they often cannot speak up and defend themselves.
I don’t see myself as one who is easily offended – or a spokesperson for political correctness, but the truth is that words do hurt. I am saddened at how often I hear the r-word…which seems to be whenever I leave the house (and sadly, sometimes when with friends or family). But here’s the thing – the r-word should bother each and every one of us…as should anything that makes fun of someone else’s challenges. (My other hated word? Spaz…yeah, not cool – spasticity is no laughing matter).
Yes, people have every right to use the r-word in their speech or in their blogs and you (and I) have every right to be offended. Most of the time, people have no idea what they are really saying – but that doesn’t make it okay. It’s classless and if I hear (or read) someone using it, you’d better believe I’ll be losing some respect for that person until they make some effort to change.
But how do we get others to change? By voicing our opinions in a respectful way, as you’ve done here. Well said.
I could go on and on as this is a subject that gets my blood boiling, but I’ll stop before I take up anymore comment space.
I wrote about the r-word (and some other words) awhile back: http://elijahland.com/2008/12/words.html
Gah—I’ve gotten to the point that I will speak up as often as possible. Ususally people are embarassed when confronted with it, as they should be. The rest of them are people we don’t need to know.
Hope you commented and told her how those words made you feel. That’s the only way to teach about the sting of the word retard or retarded when used as slang.
It’s a dehumanizing word. Retard does not equal stupid. Speak up, even though you don’t want to offend the offender. It’s the only way.
I cannot stand it when people use that word in any way Tammy!! That is a forbidden word in my home, way up there with the infamous F word~(which I have been known to use often and it doesnt bother me NEAR as much as the R word~) I totally understand and it gets my blood boiling too!!
Love,
Amy
Great post! I have a sister with Down Syndrome and so this word really does bother me. I do think that most people just don’t think about what they’re saying, but maybe with more articles like this – they’ll realize it! I cringe and am offended every time I hear an adult use it, but haven’t spoken up. I should! Thanks for a great post!
I followed this post from a post at Blessed Chaos and even though I felt like I knew what was coming, I felt sick when I actually read the words. I could rant and rave but you summed up my feelings nicely…….much more nicely than I probably would have.
It’s not just you Tammy. I gasp whenever I hear that word used in a derogatory manner. I’m sure she didn’t mean it or realize it, but therein lies the problem doesn’t it??
I have noticed that on twitter and other places people now misuse the term “special needs” to make fun of themselves and others. It’s not just the word, it’s the intent behind the word that makes it hurtful. However, I must say that I may have been just as guilty of carelessly misusing a label. I don’t recall the exact circumstance but I remember using the word “crazy” in a comment on someone else’s blog, hitting post and then thinking to myself that some people may be as offended by that as I am of misusing terms that refer to developmental disability, etc. Expressing our thoughts in an apparently transient and yet quite permanent medium of cyberspace should give us pause…