It’s as though all of my safe places are gone. The niches into which I used to retreat have sealed their doors.
The Worry has not only returned, but crept into every crevice available.
Even when life is good, It still sneaks up and pulls the faith out from under me.
It’s making me weary. Physically tired. Darkness rests under each eye as if life has dealt me sucker punches from which I didn’t have the presence of mind to duck.
Everyone I have known that has ever lost a child has always given the same counsel,
“Hold your child close. Breathe them in.”
Instead I find myself rushing from the laundry to the cleaning to the cooking to the next emergency on my list. Then late at night, when it feels as though I’ve forgotten how to sleep, I remember that I’ve walked away from the counsel of those who are mourning the way through their reality of my deepest fears.
“Hold your child close. Breathe them in. “
I’m a Martha, much in need of following the example of Mary in choosing that good part.
When I don’t seek daily the words of my Father in Heaven, choosing that good part becomes more fleeting, like trying to find substance in a wisp of smoke.
And The Worry returns, stronger than even before.
Because actual armor weighs too much and doesn’t fit well under my jeans, I’ve decided on another plan of attack to protect against The Worry and command away The Fear.
I’m committing to read the Book of Mormon in 100 days.
I’ll hold tight to the blessings, strength, protection, assurances, and guidance that come because of and through Jesus Christ.
Because at the end of this journey I want no regrets. I want only beautiful memories, deep gratitude, and the knowledge that, on an eternal sphere, all is indeed well.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Tammy! (tears) I feel like taking a deep breath for you. Your writing makes me feel your panic, your faith rings true. We visited the temple tonight and Parker was in my thoughts. We pray for you both. Hold fast sister!
Works that way for me also. I’m most at peace if I give God my time. If I give Him my time, He gives me peace.
Wow…. your posts always inspire me. Off to read the BOM!
It is truly amazing to me how your posts always speak to what I am feeling. I need to join you on this project, because I can so easily find excuses to not put on that armor. And I need it. So I’ll join you. Maybe in doing so I can find the faith to get me through this too.
It’s so hard to remember, isn’t it?
I so wish I could lay down and rest in the arms of our Father at night, and NOT worry.
Close in heart and in prayer always…
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I’m so sorry to hear this, Tammy, but know that all of us are thinking about you and Parker. I have complete faith in the fact that everything will work out for the best, and our Brave Hero and his mommy will once again pull through!
Indeed, “Fresh Courage Take”… thank you for letting me draw on your strength and faith today Tammy.
I can so relate to your fears! I almost lost my little Jayden a little over a year ago. He was on a vent and so sick. The only thing I had to hold onto was my faith and that the Lord walked by my side the whole time. Good luck with the 100 days thing. I’m sure it will bring the peace and hope you need right now.
I love you Mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it is not enough. You are trying valiantly to keep everything normal. Keep up with all the normalcy of a family and the responsibilities that go with it. But you carry an additional burden. The precious life of your youngest child hangs in the balance. If not for you, he would not only NOT be the fabulous kid he is, he probably would not even be here in our mortal world. That is the type of worry most of us cannot even fathom. It’s our greatest fear! I am so sorry it is weighing you down. Just know that you are a hero. The best of the best. Something the rest of us aspire to. We love you!!!!
You are beautiful, and we don’t need a blog conference to be BFF’s. (But there WILL be a conference, and gosh darn it, everyone better be there!)
I think you might appreciate this:
http://momza.blogspot.com/2009/04/when-all-things-are-made-perfect.html
Perspective helps us realize that especially in the darkest hours, angels are in our midst, and in our arms.
I have been absent for a while. You are all in my thoughts and prayers!
I thought of this poem today when I read this post. It is good for all mothers but particularly youself. I am only giving you the last stanza of it, so you can google the rest of it as it is lovely.
“Song for a Fifth Child”
By Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
“The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.”