For me, faith is a work in progress.
There are some areas of faith that I am exceptionally strong in. These may be the same areas that others struggle in.
I often read of Moms, who having reached a certain point, turn the matter over to God, in full faith that His will is best.
It’s here that I usually fall flat on my face.
There are times when I can’t help but want to call the shots. And tomorrow’s right heart cath is one of them. I want to direct the outcome of that cath. There. I said it. As a mother, I can’t imagine the world not being a better place with my son in it.
Oh, I’d be realistic, I tell myself
Manageable pressures are all I’d ask for. I’m not trying to be greedy. I understand that Parker will always have Pulmonary Hypertension. I know he’ll always have a trach. That’s okay. Even trached, Parker live is full, happy, and very much worth living.
I’d like to get to a point where our Hero could unplug for a few hours a day. Enter a season of life where this youngest Hodson boy could go out into the world more without the worry that he will bring something home that will land him in the hospital, BNP and PH pressures soaring.
Sometimes my self talk includes a few pats on the back for my reasonable request: A place where this disease can be managed for a very long time. Yet I also know that trying to make rationalizations with God isn’t exactly the best approach to take.
As time goes on the truth prevails. The knowledge that while there is much I can do in Parker’s behalf, the over all outcome rests within the will of my Father in Heaven. He holds Parker firmly in His very competent hands.
Even so, that doesn’t change the fact that I want things to go my way tomorrow.
Good wishes from the Blue Eyed girl to her beloved little brother.
I want to leave that cath with a hopeful heart. With a child that has shown himself to be just a little bit healthier.
With my prayers not only having been heard, but answered in the affirmative.
Regardless, I’ll keep a firm grip on hope, continuing to believe in a Father in Heaven who loves this little boy even more than I do.